097 – Mt Cook to Queensland

Today was an early day. Needed to be at the bus by 7, and I was there, but the bus was not. I must stop succumbing to these moments of panic that I missed something. The Bus was late, I was fine. The bus arrived, everything was fine.
People helped me along the way, pointing me to the right stop. When I was still questioning, they helped me again, and everything worked out.
Except I was rattled and rattled bothers me. I think I was more rattled because I did not plan this trip out well, or at least this part of the trip, and where I thought I was good through the end of NZ at least, last night I was surprised.
I went to book my Queensland hotel, the only thing I did not get done before I left Picton, and I discovered I would be staying there 5 nights. No idea why that surprised me, but I thought I would be there less time. I only really have 3 full days there, so 5 nights, although logical and if I would have glanced at a calendar, obvious, surprised me. What surprised me more was the cost of hotels. I found one for $40 a night, which I was about to book until I read further and realized it was a 4 bed dorm with a shared bathroom.
Now I don’t mind that, except I get up in the middle of the night and use the facilities. I also am usually in a rush to do so. I am also traveling alone, and simply feel safer in my own space. Having said that, I don’t need much. Last night I literally had a cruise ship below deck cabin type of room. There was an elevated bed with storage under it, a nightstand and a bathroom. Total space in the room was smaller than my master bathroom at home. No window, no nothing fancy, but it was perfect for one night, was in the center of town and was only $60. I think NZD.
When in Picton, I booked late and the only room available was a 5 bed with kitchen for $120 a night.
Complete overkill for what I needed, but it was available, and that is what I ran into when looking for rooms in Queenstown. I wanted the $40 per night, but more like my Christchurch cruise ship room. They did not have those, so to get a room with a private bathroom, all I could find was $170 a night 5 bed affair again.
That pissed me off to be honest. From $40 to $170 because I wanted a private bathroom. Well, now I am committed, and all will be fine. There is something big going on in Queenstown this weekend because $170 was cheap compared to all the other places I was looking at, which were over $200 minimum.
And this is all because of  my lack of planning. All on me, not the country or their costs, which does not stop me from grumbling about it.

Today, when I woke up, I was grumbly about the hotel, then the bus was late, and now, for the first time this entire trip… it is raining.
I had a drizzly day in Auckland, but it was a misty come and go type of thing that I did not go out in much because I was not feeling well, but today feeling better and rain is on the docket. Did not help my grumbly mood, but they really need the rain. Everything is so brown here.
At least I am on the bus all day and still moving forward. Nothing is wrong, I am just grumbly.
I was sitting on the bus dozing in and out of awareness when my doorbell rang.
Yes, my doorbell at home. We have one of those things now and I am halfway around the world and I can answer my door.
I did not want to answer my door. I thought I had turned off the notifications, but apparently, the computer gods wanted me to know that someone was at my door in Iowa.
So, I checked the cameras, because what else would you do? The dogs were running around happily; my husband was showing off his bike to someone in the garage and it appeared Butters was about to go on another ride and Nova was to be left sadly behind.
Remember grumbly mood? Now I’m homesick. It is raining…
Here is the point when I have learned to slap myself in the head and say grow up.

Just want to clarify, I do not physically slap myself. Because people give me funny looks and I don’t like funny looks.

I am allowed my mood swings, I realize. There is a very natural ebb and flow to feelings that is not unlike the tide of the ocean. They come in, they linger, and they flow back out into the abyss only to bring in another wave.
Where I get into trouble is when I don’t let the mood flow away. Unconsciously I grasp onto it, hold the water in my hands and try to keep it safe instead of simply releasing it. Worry, anxiety, stress… all of that is my attempts to hold water in my hands and failing.
Nothing unreasonable, unpredictable, un… anything happened last night or today. Nothing I need to obsess over, or in fact, nothing I could even change if I tried. Yet the mood flowed in. The panic, the anger, the feeling I am being taken advantage of by hotel booking sites. The hopelessness of surrendering to a reality I did not want to surrender to. Nor did I need to I suppose. I could have showed up in Queensland and tried the dorm room for a night. If I didn’t like it I could have moved to another, or even another town. I am not glued to one spot, but I chose – and that is the key – I chose to have stability, even at a higher price. I chose to bite the bullet and select the comfort of knowing I will have a bed for a few nights (several, apparently) instead of the uncertainty.
That is my nature. To choose stability over chaos, even if it costs a little more. I am fortunate to be able to make choices like that. To be able to do things like this trip. To be who I am and not need to worry about the next bed, or the next bite, or even the next step.
That does not mean I do not worry about those things, and that is one of the things I am trying to let go of, sort out, or just contemplate on a deeper level while I am out in the world. What is it that has stopped me all these years, and what is it that is stopping me now? From doing anything?
Maybe I will figure it out. Maybe I won’t. But today, I asked the question, and now all that crap is out there so I might get an answer.

But, for now, move on.

I really did not know anything about this ‘tour’ that I am taking today other than it went to Mt. Cook, which was something I wanted to see.
I wanted to go there at night and get in on one of their night sky tour events, but those, I discovered, are apparently booked months in advance. This at least got me to see the mountain.

Or not.

Today’s weather is not a simple rainy day. It is a pouring rainy day. With low lying clouds and wind. We couldn’t see the side of the road half the time, so no, we did not see any mountain.

We did make a couple of stops along the way, and forgive me I have no idea where. One was at a lake.

The lake had a monument to this dog, which was a very important dog for some reason that I did not get to read about because we had 10 minutes to explore the entire area. In the rain. I was supposed to feel honored that the driver decided to stop at all to give us this opportunity. I suppose I do.
I needed a daily doggo picture, so… even my dog was a cold metal statue instead of a warm cuddly today, but I got a doggo picture.

It was raining as I ran around trying to get pictures, but the clouds did clear a bit so I could see to the opposite shore of this narrow area.
I have no idea why people pile rocks here, but there were a lot of piled rocks here.

Before we left the bus, we were told the driver would blow his horn when the time was up. Then we were to make our way back to the bus. At the second blowing of the horn, we were to be at the bus and then he would leave us behind.
So, at this point, the bus horn blew. I made my way back toward the bus. The bus horn blew again, and I was on my way and several people were around me. I took a quick pic of this church…

and he laid on the horn. I made my way to the bus only to discover everyone was waiting on me and a lady in the front row chewed me out for delaying everyone.

That did not improve my mood.

I really tried to let that go, but I dwell by nature. Could not see anything out the windows. Had no idea what stops were on the tour and in my special mood, I pulled out my laptop and wrote. About other things.

Eventually we made it to a lodge somewhere along the route. We had an hour this time. I picked out 3 or 4 people from the bus and memorized their faces and clothing so I would know when they headed back and I would not be the last.
That is where I got into trouble at the lake. There were still a lot of people milling about, and when we arrived, we were the only bus in the parking lot. So I assumed the others were with the bus. Others had apparently arrived even though we were still the only bus in the lot. Don’t dwell. Lesson learned.
So I followed the crowd to a lunch room. I was not hungry.
There was a museum, but it cost extra, did not interest me, and was an hour suggested time to allow to go through it.
There were giant windows to look out and only fog to look at.
There was a gift shop with a lot of very expensive hiking gear and the trinkets were equally upscale and un-needed.
I returned to the cafeteria, went through the line, paid entirely too much for a meat pie I did not want nor enjoy and moved back to the lobby where I sat and stared at the bus to assure I did not miss it.

Obviously, this was not a banner day for me. Not only did things not live up to expectations, I did not make great choices. Opportunities were everywhere to improve my mood, my mind, my everything, but I was not in the place to improve them.
I did not miss the bus. I was not the last on the bus. I sat and looked at the fog and eventually things cleared a little.

We had a bathroom stop and I found another daily doggo.

I managed to get a semi decent picture of whatever is above through the bus window.

And as I was fighting my way out of the mood, I got an email about an appointment I thought I had changed, but apparently had not.
Not a big deal, but today it was. I texted my husband and asked him to change it.
I got a note about my flight out of New Zealand to Australia, and I needed to get online and figure that out. I could not get online on the bus. I might be able to leave New Zealand early and at that point I really wanted to, but the hotel was non refundable… it was not the end of the world. It was not even something I needed to deal with at that exact moment even if I could have.
I know that. I understand things come up and plans change. I knew I was fine, and everything would be fine and hiccups happen.
I got an email about our taxes… a confirmation about my next tour had the wrong data…

Again and again… none of this was not the end of the world, it was just a lot. A lot on a day where emotionally I could not handle a lot.
I texted a friend at home. She calmed me down.
I went back to writing on one of my fictional pieces and that calmed me down.
I arrived in Queenstown, discovered my hotel was nowhere near anything, and… sigh. I ordered an uber, got to the hotel, picked the biggest bed of the 5, and just gave up for the day.

All is well. All is fine. I know that. Sometimes, well and good as things may be, they can also be hard.
I know I am privileged. I know I have more than I need, and because of it I have more choices than others in the world. I understand I have not endured the challenges others have, and I know, compared to others, I do not have a single thing to complain about in life.
Yet that is exactly the point of today. I am all those things and have all of those things, and know all of those things… compared to others.
I am not others. I do not live with their choices, or their struggles, I live with mine. I write about my experience, from my point of view, built from my lifetime of choices. Not others. Not my perception of what others face, or struggle with, or even what others consider privilege or poverty.
I, even if endowed with omnipotence, can only relate to myself through my lens. My past and present. My choices. No matter how open minded, or how much new information I take in, or how I develop or change my thoughts every single day… it is still my lens.
So, today, where nothing bad happened. Today where the goal was to get from point A to point B, and that goal was achieved without harm or delay. Today I got in my own way.
Today was a success by all measures of the word, except it was not. It was one of the worst days I have had on this entire trip to be honest. But, through all of the stuff in my head and emotions that made today awful… that was all me. Entirely my choices. Entirely my responsibility. And I know that. Doesn’t change anything, but I do know today was all on me. No excuses.
Even in resounding success of goals we can get in our own way and ruin our moments. We all do it. We don’t all own up to it.
And that… at the end of the day… perhaps provides hope that I may have changed. I may have learned. I may have provided my inner being another piece of the puzzle that I am, so when I look at the world through my unique lens, it might be better.